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Friday, July 25, 2008 ~ Crossroads

Well, I had just typed a super long post which just got deleted. THANK U so much blogger! :)

Anyway, It's been like more then a month since I've finished service. A little, wiser, smarter? I feel like a tourist now(actually I am) at the airport watching all the people fly off but with no ticket of my own. On the outside I look strong & confident but then sometimes I just wanna cry at my situation.. Yes I trust God to lead me to the right place and to show me the next step BUT it just feels so sad. Everyone seems to be going somewhere or doing something & I'm the only person @ the moment who seem stagenet. They all seem to be moving on somewhere & I dont wanna be left behind.

I cannot accept that even Jase could get into the best aussie uni & I COULDNT get into a state school in the US! Yet, in the end, it's back to the waiting game.. and waiting in faith! If not for God I think I would have just ended up being some under achiever voluteering for active combat duty with the SAF. Sometimes I wonder if I ever made a mistake, if it wasn't God's will for me to sacrifice that? The only way is forward, trusting God to come thru for me as he has before.

Strategically, I'm no closer to a decision(maybe a bit) then I was months ago. Feelings & emotions have changed & in this time spent getting to know each other things have become clearer & I'm a lot more sure of how I feel & all. But is it enough? Do i dare trust my own feelings on this matter?

A part of me screams to take the "easy & safe" path.. not to commit till I have a concrete mid-game plan. It's painful initially but less painful as time goes on. Another part says that no matter where I am, one can never be sure of a concrete plan. Is this matter ment for me to take the plunge of faith & trust God completely? Regardless, both are not easy choices. So which will it be? Ironic that in regards to the long term plan, we both see eye to eye more or less. Unique situation, unique choice. Porque? Has this been something of my choice? something I schemed that I wanted?? or something from God?

So many questions, not that many answers. All I know is I want God's best. And in the end, if it's not his will for me to be the one then yes, I'm more then willing to give it up & be friends. That's what love is, it's patient, kind, it doesn't envy, doesn't boast. Love never fails. If I have to make that sacrifice then yes I will, coz I know she'll be with someone God has called her to be with & will be happy that way. Which is exactly what I would want her to be. That's the guys' job, to also look after the lady, making sure she's not hurt even if it means u have to take the hit.

Ha, I think many might not agree with that.. but that's my own stand..
To better days to come ahead..

Deus vult! Deus vult! Deus vult!

Peacekeeper... ceased transmission on Friday, July 25, 2008